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奇妙奇天烈摩訶不思議奇想天外四捨五入出前迅速落書無用。
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Click to Top. Click to Histry. Click to Story. Click to Shedule ... <1998 誕生30周年記念・3部作> <1999 最終章・6部作> Click Picture to "Promotion Video" Copyright 1999. ...ウルトラシリーズ - Wikipedia
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平成ウルトラセブン. ウルトラセブン 太陽エネルギー作戦. 1994年3月21日放送。 ウルトラセブン 地球星人の大地. 1994年10月10日放送。 ... 平成ウルトラセブンは『ウルトラセブン』の直接の続編として作られたシリーズ。 またウルトラマンネオスはOVで展開されたシリーズで、共に数年に跨って長期展開された。 ...Going My Way
http://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E3%82%A6%E3%83%AB%E3%83%88%E3%83%A9%E3%82%B7%E3%83%AA%E3%83%BC%E3%82%BA
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C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
The truth is more important than the facts.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
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A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Why don't you write books people can read?
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
I am not young enough to know everything.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
The truth is more important than the facts.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Why don't you write books people can read?
Why don't you write books people can read?
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
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A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
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A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
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I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
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Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
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There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
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I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I am not young enough to know everything.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
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All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
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We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
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I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.