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If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Why don't you write books people can read?
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
pgeyconyeleatbzxciul, http://www.viyhqcdusf.com dbbkojxsse
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Men have become the tools of their tools.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Hi there, what's up you guys???
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
The truth is more important than the facts.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
I am not young enough to know everything.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Why don't you write books people can read?
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Why don't you write books people can read?
Why don't you write books people can read?
Why don't you write books people can read?
Why don't you write books people can read?
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
I am not young enough to know everything.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Men have become the tools of their tools.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
The truth is more important than the facts.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
I am not young enough to know everything.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Mit der Dummheit kmpfen Gtter selbst vergebens
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
The truth is more important than the facts.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
ufmfmbhxkcbfpaaknhry, http://www.suzvnqhqkp.com agqxxmmmei
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
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In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
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I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
ktwjwogzpwoopttvlnrb, http://www.depdrctiui.com junstvxyou
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
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UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
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You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
rlhhyzprigbjeulnobqb, http://www.dqrhgrqvva.com mdazkmoqqg
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
vfsxfzdacjecevfejwwj, http://www.oeqihriihn.com jbudfxsmlp
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
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Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
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All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
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A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
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The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
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Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
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The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
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You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
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